Plzzzzzzzz help me :(?

My Gma ped October 25 2008. We have not seen her in 5 years because of a fight with this guy she married when Gpa ped. (yea 5 years) well I think I'm depressed, I don't eat I don't fill myself. And I still cry, alot, but act happy when around others. I'm 14 and I need help. I think bout her every day and I want the sadness to stop...Idc how I jus want it to stop and don't say I need to go see some one... Help me the best u can. Thanks ( I'm a guy if it helps) she died from a brain anurisum and there was nothing that could be done...she didn't want to live like that...I held her hand...I was there for her when she died...were was she most of my life. Did she hate me. Did I do something?